Life is of belief for oneself.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
day 3.
"im a creep,"
i woke up realising that there is a missed call, and a text msg from him.
"stop thinking negative k. hope things will get better."
things will get better i guessed when it is time i realised that i dont really need to depend or lean on someone for emotional support. and there are other reliable avenues i can turn to when i need some psychological counselling, like my parents or maybe somethings unreliable but lovable, my three cats.
yesterday night passed by in an instant, i refused to acknowledge the pain when Mom said that there was too much food for anyone to eat in the house and he should be there. but little did she know what is inside this breaking heart, that sometimes, wanting him to be here at drive 73, has been more like a feat to do for the past few weeks. seasons change, as do people. constantly, and i should have never let my guts down. maybe this is just farhana, trip and fall, constantly on the same spot. learning and thus forgetting.
i have an invitation to fetch someone from the airport this coming wednesday. and my mind is always dawdling, whether i should finally take this step and reach out to those who really wants to be let into my life. truthfully, i am too broken to even realise that i might be special. deep inside, i feel like "im a creep", unwanted and many more.
"my world go crashing down without you. i need u."
what about me? did you think i was laughing my guts out last weekend when you left me in the lurch, boys are boys and despite being human and having feelings, emotions still run in different directions, but it doesnt hurt to try to understand. i never stopped you, never once in your entire life i stopped you from meeting your friends, but the reasons you came up are entirely wrong.
now im beginning to understand why you once mentioned, "we used to be so close," but always it is easier for one to preach than to carry it out. "once" a subjective word, discussing the element of time. may or may not repeat again. we used to talk like there is no tomorrow, on the phone, in text messages, on msn, in person, that we were so much a part of each other's lives despite our once busy schedule, as the relationship dragged longer and longer, we just conversed lesser and lesser, that it came to a point, that maybe life is about guessing one another's thoughts. why do you even bother telling everything now? just to fill up the empty lines with reasons? baseless reasons that i see no purpose in now.
5.18am. should i or shouldnt i. ..
posted by farhana alexis # 4:59 AM 
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