Life is of belief for oneself.
Monday, November 30, 2009
faith.
"im already gone,"
i know that someday i'll make it big. i never asked for my life to be this way, to be so mixed up and all so confusing, even right at this point when i thought things were going right. all i asked for is some peace at home, and yet, i couldnt even get it. that is the one reason i hate being home. a home is a shelter you seek and turn to in times of despair, not a place you fear or turn against. everyone has a right to their own freedom. eventhough you brought me up since i was young, i still have a right to how i want my life to turn out later. if my future is surrounded by dirt and dust, so be it, if my future is surrounded by wisdom and flashy material things ,so be it. because it is my future. i believe as parents you have done your part to bring me up, now that i have passed the age of 21, i need my freedom to do the things i have yet done, to further my education, to travel, to live with the love of my life. doesnt mean that when ive become successful, i will forget you. i have never done that and i will never do it. cant you see, all that ive done right now is for you. and i know, without your sincere support, i can never be someone that i aspire to be.
Saturday, November 28, 2009
trust.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
day 11.
"... i wont pick up the phone,"
if i had the strength to do it, i would choose to live a life of my own. i dont want the actions of another person to have any effect on me, esp the ones i want to call my own. i dont want to know and even having the taste of sacrificing because the word itself already has a negative conotation attached to it. get a life farhana. some others out there need you more than this one person. honestly truthfully open up your eyes. and get real. it is time.
and i still dont get it, why this has to happen.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
day 10.
"oh my pretty pretty boy i need you,"
i feel her fear. i feel her heart. i feel her loss. it has been so many days, but the incident has never once left my mind. up till now, i wonder, if things will ever go back to where it had once stopped? can people really pick up from where they have left off? it is always easy to say, that we forgive, but does our heart really forgive the people who have wronged us? after nine months, suddenly a social life becomes so much of a concern to somebody. if that is the case, the problem and arguments that keep escalating lie in either the partners, not so much of the people or environment around them.
today i made the decision to take what is already offered to me. "it doesnt matter if you dont love me or want me, because i will still hold my head up high." i have said so much, cried so much that i am far too tired to even think of the right words to be strung into a perfect composition to explain all this. for me right now, it doesnt really matter if this is about him this time round, as long as he still acknowledge my presence, i take it all now. it all makes sense now. committing is equivalent to restriction of freedom. it is alright mister. as long as you are happy, i abide by your say. what matters most is, my mind and heart are no longer so much in a turmoil.
to yani dearest, i wish there is someway we can communicate to one another. i know i can help you, likewise, i know you are the person who can help me the most right now.
Monday, November 16, 2009
day.9
"are you going to msg me tomorrow?"
that's how pathetic and insecure i have become.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
day 8.
"i wanna know what love is"
i cried myself to sleep at 6.20am. waking up nine hours later, in tears again. life is cruel and unfair, but we still have to accept it. living is believing. even if knowing the cold hard truth kills. i dont want to recall whatever happened yesterday. on my way home from pasir ris, i secretly wished that the car had actually swerved off at some point and i had died in a quick yet painless tragic road accident.
"let's stay as friends" those words are still playing on rerun in my head.
Friday, November 13, 2009
day 6.1
"let's just stay as a friend, so we wont have any pressure."
day 6
Love does not consist of hurt and making up excuses habitually, that is what i thought so. i thought that things were beginning to pick up. I met him yesterday, and we even caught a movie. i thought i could be independent and not ask him to send me home, i thought i was being thoughtful because i knew he was tired from reservist duty, but then i chickened out and begged him to send me home after that, but he didnt want to.
i thought everything was ok, the msg, the calls. but i guessed everything was just a facade. soon enough, he told me he had to meet his elder brother at his house as the brother wanted to have a talk.
"im done wit my bro. im meeting herman jap."(12.07am)
"sorry. my batt low bile i lepak with herman. im not having fun. we are just discussing out relationship problems. its really up to u think negative. and dont blame for not wanting to be 9 months old. i didnt ask for break up."(5.15am)
you would still say no if i ask u to spend the night with me. but for your friends you could. if you dont want this, please say it. at least i get it right.love does not consist of making up excuses. especially when i thought i did something right.
even at mt lowest, you continue to push me away.
"killing me softly,"
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
day 3.
"im a creep,"
i woke up realising that there is a missed call, and a text msg from him.
"stop thinking negative k. hope things will get better."
things will get better i guessed when it is time i realised that i dont really need to depend or lean on someone for emotional support. and there are other reliable avenues i can turn to when i need some psychological counselling, like my parents or maybe somethings unreliable but lovable, my three cats.
yesterday night passed by in an instant, i refused to acknowledge the pain when Mom said that there was too much food for anyone to eat in the house and he should be there. but little did she know what is inside this breaking heart, that sometimes, wanting him to be here at drive 73, has been more like a feat to do for the past few weeks. seasons change, as do people. constantly, and i should have never let my guts down. maybe this is just farhana, trip and fall, constantly on the same spot. learning and thus forgetting.
i have an invitation to fetch someone from the airport this coming wednesday. and my mind is always dawdling, whether i should finally take this step and reach out to those who really wants to be let into my life. truthfully, i am too broken to even realise that i might be special. deep inside, i feel like "im a creep", unwanted and many more.
"my world go crashing down without you. i need u."
what about me? did you think i was laughing my guts out last weekend when you left me in the lurch, boys are boys and despite being human and having feelings, emotions still run in different directions, but it doesnt hurt to try to understand. i never stopped you, never once in your entire life i stopped you from meeting your friends, but the reasons you came up are entirely wrong.
now im beginning to understand why you once mentioned, "we used to be so close," but always it is easier for one to preach than to carry it out. "once" a subjective word, discussing the element of time. may or may not repeat again. we used to talk like there is no tomorrow, on the phone, in text messages, on msn, in person, that we were so much a part of each other's lives despite our once busy schedule, as the relationship dragged longer and longer, we just conversed lesser and lesser, that it came to a point, that maybe life is about guessing one another's thoughts. why do you even bother telling everything now? just to fill up the empty lines with reasons? baseless reasons that i see no purpose in now.
5.18am. should i or shouldnt i. ..
Monday, November 9, 2009
day 2.1
"i wish i was special, so fucking special,"
i made farn and Mom fetched me just to keep my mind occupied. i kept talking and talking to Mom and Dad so that the house wouldnt be too quiet. right now, i just dont want to have the taste of loneliness yet. tomorrow i'll be alone after work.i dont even feel like meeting him to reason out, im just tired, of hearing the same thing over and over again. i planned to put him on "ignored" mode till maybe on wed or something, (we will see) i hope by the time i reached hm i'll be too worned out to even start an argument. good night.
day 2.
"im tired, cynical and broken but wiser,"
I woke up in a daze, only realizing that i might be late for work. I rushed out of bed, ignoring my daily dosage of first fag before the start of work, because i didnt want to be late. I boiled the water with thoughts of making dad a cup of coffee only to realize that he was no longer home. i panicked at an instance, gave dad a call and heaving a sigh of relief thereafter. Dad was kind enough to come and fetch me from drive 73 and sent me to work.
The journey to jurong is a long one, a particulary tired one today, maybe because ive been tossing and turning in bed, replying angrily to the dozens of msges yesterday night. ive not been functioning well because my mind is constantly questioning. why did it happen? why did it happen? what did i do? so many times in life, it is always easier to push the blame to someone, maybe now i realised. even if i wanted his attention so much and he didnt want to give it to me, then maybe i couldnt blame him, i shouldnt blame him. maybe i didnt deserve his attention. but i need reasons. i need explainations.
sometimes if one is too boisterous, wallowing in self-pity is not something to be ashamed of. ive always been so proud of my relationships, never once feeling that ive made the wrong choice. but one by one, the truth surfaced. bad ones. so this is nothing new.
to those who've cared and bothered to text or message or even a call, thank you. i promise you i will be fine, ive always been. but im not sure when the healing process will finally come to an end. please promise me that you will be there when i need someone.
a mom knows best and only she will truly understand how deeply hurt and broken i am inside. this is not the first time for her, but always she understood.
Sunday, November 8, 2009
day 1.
"im tired, cynical and broken but wiser,"
The harderst part of breaking up is, facing to reality and telling yourself that you got to move on. The interesting part, is how? if the other party has been so much a part of you life.
when i first met you, you had nothing. no future no money not even a family to turn to when you feel down. you only had one bike, and your smile and happy go lucky self to offer. i chose you, even though i had options. i chose you even though i was the girl. i offered myself to you. and thereafter, i gave you the one thing that no other can give. i gave you the warmth tender loving care of my family. i gave you a home you could seek shelter from. i gave u my attention and spent countless saturdays and sundays and many weekdays at jurong west stadium trying to understand your passion. even if reality was they hardly have any future, i supported you right from the start. i emphatise with you when you never got what you deserve. emphatise, not sympathise. when one fine day i couldnt agree and go along with your lifestyle, i didnt ditch you, i didnt look down on you. instead i scolded you and advised you to wake up. and you took it strongly and you got yourself a part time job, apart from playing soccer. even when the pay was measely, i kept quiet because i had that means to support you, to support us.
this relationship has reached the point from nothing to something. but finally yesterday, i realised that in your life i am something small. smaller than anything that was going on in your life. i never stopped you from meeting your friends. never once, but you promised me. family time this weekend. weeks by weeks you told me you had to be home. your dad had started to nag. even though i voiced out, i told myself to understand. but i guess, most things have their limitations. it is never wrong to meet one's friends, but the way you come up with the excuse to ditch me and my family is ridiculous. esp, when my mom fed you, loved you, listened to you, gave you money but most importantly, accepted you into her life.
you could play soccer even though you were falling sick. you told me you were falling sick so i didnt make you sleep over my house, but you chose to meet your friends after playing soccer because you wanted to help with the wedding preparations. i didnt say anything. on my mom's birthday itself, you didnt even turn up, for the family function or even to come up front to meet my mom, because you said you were sick. but you could still meet your friends later on again even though you claimed you were sick. what's more there is to this? you preach to me about honesty, "how one should be honest in a relationship" but you cant even carry it out. you cant even be truthful to that one person who cares so much about you.
maybe now you realised that you finally got what you wanted most- that s-league contract that you've always wanted, you take everything else around you so lightly.
you used to be something big that ive always held high above anything else, but in my eyes right now, you've just been reduced to nothing. "the ones who hurt us the greatest are the ones who love us the most", aint it true. you taught me that, maybe its time you learnt the truth. that you dont deserve me at all. after nine months, breaking up is not a waste. but something good for me.
Saturday, November 7, 2009
john nolan's
I'm tired
Cynical and broken, but wiser
Heavy with a sense of resentment
But i used to be so much different
I used to have so much faith
When i started
You knew that i always meant it
I knew i could make a difference
I struggled to be heard
And then finally, one day people started listening
And i knew it
But as soon as it began it was ruined
A slow descent from unique to routine
Over and over
"just do it again and this time with feeling"
The spotlight
The focus on the friends and the feelings
That made those stupid songs all worth singing
And don't you say a word
Unless you're pretty sure that you want it analyzed
So we drove
For what seemed like days
Over roads
And four lane highways
We said all we had to say
And i realized in time that it didn't mean anything
Never
Not ever again...
Not like that
"it's only a matter of time"
by Straylight Run
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